Officials at the White House and the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) are secretly considering a bold new plan to take control of both Greenland and out-of-control immigration in the US.
Insiders tell America’s Number One Source of Newstainment, GWU! that plans are being drawn up over the feasibility of sending all 14 million illegal aliens to Greenland.
“But here’s the brilliance of the plan,” enthuses a senior administration official. “Before we ship the undocumented off, we swear them in as US citizens. So when they get dropped off in Greenland, we’ll take over the country through demographics.”
The Math of Manifest Destiny
With Greenland’s current population hovering around 57,000, officials have calculated that sending even a single weekend’s worth of border crossings would result in a total and irreversible demographic takeover of the Danish colony within 48 hours.
“Under international law, if just 2 million new Americans show up in Nuuk and vote to rename it ‘Americaland,’ there’s nothing the UN can do about it,” said our man in Washington, who spoke with GWU! on the condition of his anonymity.
“It’s a self-correcting problem. We deport them to ‘America’. It’s genius. It’s like a boomerang made of freedom.”
Borderline Divisions
While the idea, which was apparently developed using the now federally approved Grok, has wide support, there is some pushback in both the White House and the DHS.
One long-time DHS official who is against the entire idea tells GWU! that the ‘scheme’ treats human beings as ‘pawns’. “We’re stripping them of their original homes, stamping them with conditional citizenship, and shipping them to a frozen island as geopolitical settlers. It’s grotesque and unconscionable. I’m considering resigning over it, right after I retire in the Spring.”
But the plan has broader support within both the White House and the DHS, reasons our rat. “Sure, some of the old foggies left over from the Biden days are calling this ‘geopolitical trolling,’ but seriously, this has worked for both the Jews and the muslims here in America. We’re basically one of their territories, amirite?”
Trump Greenlights Greenland Gambit
Internal documents leaked to GWU! reveal that President Trump has already endorsed the plan to occupy the Arctic island.
One memo from Trump to DHS staffers reads: “It’s a beautiful plan, maybe the most beautiful plan in the history of maps. I didn’t know that Elon’s robots could be so smart. I mean, turning the Obamas into apes was funny, but this is amazing, it really is.”
Our tippster says that in private meetings, Trump was enthusiastic over the plan to bypass the need for a traditional purchase or invasion of Greenland.
“By weaponizing citizenship and settlement patterns as tools of foreign policy, we’re helping both the illegals here in the US and the people of Greenland who will quickly have a diverse and hard-working citizenry who will be eternally grateful for having official US citizenship.”
Yet another internal document shared with GWU! notes the following quote from the President: “By the time the Danes wake up and have their little apple danishes, they’ll be outnumbered ten to one. People talk about democracy, well, here it is. We’re winning by a landslide—literally, a landslide of people on ice.”
Plans on ICE
While the re-immigration plan, which has been dubbed, The Great Re-immigration is not official government policy yet, preliminary plans are already being quietly developed.
“We’re looking at repurposing some Boeing 747s into cargo planes with bench seating and placing an Amazon order for millions of ‘Make Greenland Great Again’ hats. Red, but with extra insulation for the ears, obviously.”
