You’ve read our explosive coverage of Li’l Tony Fauci’s diary that we delivered to GWU! just days ago.
But now our investigative news team has uncovered secret, never-before-seen diary entries written by America’s top criminal. Prepare to inoculate yourself from the noise around the supposed journal logs that the establishment alt media has been pushing – for the safe and effective Tony Fauci diary you’ll only find on America’s #1 Source of Newstainment, GWU!
My New Office (OMG) – November 17, 2019
Dear Diary,
So apparently I’m the ‘go-to’ guy with this whole China virus thing? Which, honestly, I’m suspicious about. I mean, everything from China is fake, right? I don’t even know how dis newfound status for me even happened. I mean, I haven’t even practiced medicine for 58 years. I’m an admin, books guy. In ‘the family’ I’d be a bagman, not da cappo. I tink dey confused my mug shot with someone else’s—especially after da whole AIDS thing. Sorry, boys! Oops? But whatevah. I got a HUUUUGE new office. (I made something up about needing distance from people and viruses. (Reminder to follow that up with some policy yakkaty on dat at some point.)
It’s even bigger and more oval than Trump’s. As a fellow New Yorker, he knows that the bigger the desk, the bigger the man. He sent me a very nice letter saying just that. Got a new mahogany desk. All wood! New little flag. Da whole nine. I told my new Black assistant to call me “Dr. America,” but she said dat’s “not appropriate.” She’s such a hatah. I tried to impress her with my knowledge of moving pictures (these Gen Zers love sociable media): Nosferatu, Citizen Cane, Sunset Boulevard and anything starring the incomparable Julia Roberts. But she didn’t seem impressed, even when I dropped having every episode of Roots on VHS. Whatevah. I’m America’s top director doctor and am gonna make ALL da rules now. Li’l Tony’s a big boy now! And everyone’s gonna tink I’m SO smart.
Especially Julia. I heard she’s watchin’ da news now. She’s TOTALLY gonna notice me. She’s gonna look at me like I’m Richard Gere in Pretty Woman and she’s gonna say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge.” But like, in a good way. Man I got a prick I’d like to show her!
Da Mask Thing (I Kinda Made It Up) – April 3, 2020
Diary, you won’t BELIEVE dis.
So I had to go on CNN today and tell everyone what to do about dis COVID ting. And I panicked. So I said “wear masks.” Which, after checking this very diary, I realized I had said the opposite a week before! And here’s da ting—I got NO IDEA if dey work. Like, literally none. Da data is more scattered than a Jerry Lewis solo film (without the rational, calming influence of Dean Martin). But I saw Julia wearin’ a cute leopard-print one in Ocean’s Eleven and I tought, “Dat’s fashion, I wanna be fashion.” Yeah, I am ‘the fashion’! So I told da whole country to cover dere cake holes. And dey DID it. Dey’re all walkin’ around lookin’ like little ninjas. Because of ME. I am SO influential.
My buddy who runs Canada, Dr. Theresa Tam, thought it was such a great idea she made all her people wear ’em even when they’re making whoopie! (I think she just liked that it covered her o’clock shadow, really.) Julia definitely tinks I’m cool now. She’s probably isolating at home (another ting I’m gonna have to cover with policy yakyak) goin’, “Anthony, you’re a pretty woman.” Okay, she wouldn’t say dat. But she’s tinkin’ it.
6-Foot Lie (Don’t Tell Anyone) – May 5, 2020
Dear Diary,
Okay so I had to give a number for how far apart people should stand. Dana Bash, who usually sends the questions in advance, didn’t when I was on the last episode of CNN. And I just… picked one. 6 feet. Why 6? Because 6 is my favorite number. Nothing to do with Satan stuff. The 70s are behind me now and I’m not relapsing. I’m not. Also it sounds kinda official. The day the before the interview my Black assistant made me watch a scientist explain aerosol physics to me on Zoom and I literally fell asleep. So I just said “6 feet” and everyone started puttin’ tape on da floor and rearrangin’ dere whole lives. I am LITERALLY a god. I can say ANYTING and dey’ll do it. Tomorrow I’m gonna say “wash your mail and bananas” just to see what happens. Julia once ate a banana in Mystic Pizza and she looked SOOOO cute. Maybe I’ll say “only eat bananas.” I dunno. I’m makin’ dis up as I go.
Julia Texted Me (Kind Of)
OMG OMG OMG.
So Julia—yes, THE Julia from Erin Brockovich—texted me today. She said, “Dr. Fauci, I think I saw you on CNN.” I tink dat was a compliment? She noticed me! She REMEMBERS me! I immediately responded with a 47-page PDF detailing viral mutation rates. She replied with “k.” Dat’s so Julia! She’s playin’ hard to get. Like in My Best Friend’s Wedding when she didn’t tell Michael she loved him until it was too late. I know she’s impressed. I’m literally savin’ da world, and she’s probably at home tinkin’, “Wow, he’s so powerful, I should have asked him to cameo in Eat Pray Love.” But I guess I was too busy back den killin’ gay dudes. Sorry again, fellas! Oops!
Black Legs Matter – May 25, 2020
So my Black assistant was crying today for no reason. I know she’s not on the rag. I had her submit a chart for my reference. It was all this stuff about a Black druggie taking a dirt nap under a white patrolman’s pillow. She was talking about the need to protest and show everyone da white people are evil, or something. I kept agreeing. To be honest, I was looking at her sturdy legs, wondering how many wagons of cotton she could pull, and not really paying attention. Before I knew it, she was hugging me! It turns out that I agreed to not have my medical mafia of Democrat state senators break up some small peaceful protest she and her friends were planning. What could be the harm? Like Julia Roberts in Dying Young, maybe my Black assistant will fall for me without realizing that I only have a few more years left to live.
WHO’s da Boss? – August 10, 2020
Okay, I’ll admit it. Allowing rioters to march through every major city, burning, looting, and assaulting people while previously calling pandemic protestors dangerous super spreaders, was a bad look. This can’t get pinned on me like my AIDS debacle, even though that was honestly my fault… Sorry, boys. My bad! I’m just going to have to be a man about this and have Trump fire my Black assistant. In an interesting twist her name turns out to be Sabrina, which is the same as Julia’s character in I Love Trouble. Julia, if you ever read this after I die, after being married to me for 25 beautiful years, I’m sorry I strayed. I guess I love trouble too.
Lockdown Drama (My Fault) September 4, 2020
Dear Diary,
Okay so I might have accidentally shut down da entire country, again. I was on a Zoom call with Sleepy Joe, and he asked what we should do, and I panicked and yelled “EVERYONE STAY HOME” because I was nervous and didn’t know what else to say. And he DID it. He just said “okay” and now nobody is allowed to leave dere houses. Unlike Trump, Joe listens to me. He knows how important I am and also trusts me because I can recite the entire 1952 roster of the New York Mets. I saw Julia post a video of herself cryin’ in her mansion and I felt kind of bad. But also—she noticed me! She tagged me! She said, “Thanks a lot, Dr. America.” I tink dat means we’re friends now. Like in Stepmom when she finally hugged Susan Sarandon. I’m Susan Sarandon. Julia is Julia. It’s beautiful. I’m crying just like when I watched the movie.
The Booster Scam (Hehe) – November 6, 2021
Diary, I’m so clever. Very.
So I told everyone dat da vaccine would give ’em “lifelong immunity.” I knew dat was a lie. I knew it da second I said it. But I wanted to sound confident. Den, like, 6 months later, I was like “actually you need a booster.” And everyone was MAD! So I just said “da science has evolved” and dey all calmed down. Da science didn’t evolve. I just wanted to feel important again. Booster shots make me feel like a king. I’m gonna keep sayin’ “boosters” forever. Booster 74. Booster 100. I don’t care. Dey’ll take it. I own dem. Julia would respect dat. She’s a businesswoman and America’s Sweetheart. She gets da grind.
Natural Immunity Burn Book – January 18, 2022
Dear Diary,
Okay so da data ACTUALLY shows dat natural immunity is really good. Like, better dan da shot for some people. I saw it. It’s right dere on my computer. Looks like those ham radio guys on youstube was right before I ordered the negatives of their films be deleted. It’s bad, but I can’t say dat because den everyone will tink I’m dumb for pushin’ da vaccines so hard. And I need to be RIGHT. So I just… buried it. I told my team “we don’t talk about dat.” Dey looked at me funny. I said “I’m da boss, I make da rules! Don’t make me have the President of the United States, who is a close personal friend, fire you at warp speed.” One of dem muttered somethin’ about ethics. I pretended not to hear. That’s called leadership. Dr. America doesn’t have or need ethics. Julia didn’t have ethics in The Pelican Brief, and she got da job done. I’m doin’ da same ting. I’m a pelican. A very handsome pelican. With a huge Italian beak!
The Press Conference Performance – February 11, 2022
Diary, I slayed today.
I went on TV and said “trust da science” with da most serious face. And I knew—I KNEW—dat da science was literally just me guessin’. Like, all of it. Da masks. Da distance. Da boosters. Da variants. I’m makin’ it up as I go. But I looked SO good on camera. I wore a suit and everyting. I did my hair slightly differently than in the past 60 years. I practiced my serious voice in da mirror 50 times. “Trust da science.” “We’re followin’ da data.” I sound SO smart. Julia commented on my Instagram “lol ur lying” and I LIKED her comment. She’s so funny. She gets me. She’s like my Runaway Bride—always runnin’ away from da truth with highly comical results. But I’ll catch her. I always catch her.
The Variant Panic (I Overreacted) – April 14, 2022
Dear Diary,
So dere was a new variant. And I didn’t know what to call it. So I panicked and said “it’s da worst one yet” and everyone FREAKED out. People were cancelin’ flights, hoardin’ toilet paper, screamin’ in da streets. It was actually kind of exhilaratin’. I felt so powerful. Den later we found out it was literally fine. Like, mild symptoms, no big deal. But I didn’t correct myself. I just said “betta safe dan sorry” and winked at da camera. I looked SO cool. I’m basically a hero that no one knows is the villain until after the intermission and I love it. Julia played a villain in The Mexican once. Sort of. She was kinda crazy. We’re soulmates. Time to dream about Mexico.
My Diary Confession (Don’t Read This) – March 22, 2023
Dear Diary,
I’m gonna be real wit you. I don’t know what I’m doin’. I made up ALL of it. Da masks, da feet, da lockdowns, da boosters—it was all just me tryna get people to tink I’m smarter than Trump. I wanted Julia to finally notice me. I wanted her to stop laughin’ at my lunch. And now da whole world is shaped by my desperate, pathetic need for approval. And da worst part? Julia still hasn’t asked me out. She just sends me memes about how I’m a “globalist lizard.” I tink dat’s flirtin’. I tink it’s workin’. I’m gonna keep lyin’ forever. It’s da only ting I’m good at.😭, ❤️.
Oh, and one more ting—Pretty Woman is on Turner Classics tonight. I’m gonna watch it and pretend she’s talkin’ to me. “Anthony, you’re a knight in shinin’ armor.” I know she’d say dat. She just doesn’t know it yet.
—Dr. America, MD, PhD, Mr. Julia Roberts 💘
