The party is over for millennials. After years of being told they were the anointed avocado toast-eating, ‘Friends’-quote-ing chosen ones, only now are realizing the Bowie-inspired Labyrinth of adulthood has no final boss, just endless side quests. The ‘you can do anything’ TV movie inspired age demo who were going to totally change the world with their progressive politics and Twitter battleskills, (the most insulated and narcissistic generation in, a generation—ed) has finally figured out that it’s closing time at MickeyDees and they can’t pay the bill. Underemployed, over medicated, and permanently unhoused, millennials are in trouble.
Thankfully America’s Number One Source of Newstainment, GWU! is here to help these sad sacks with our ultimate list of what a millennial can bring to try (and fail) to cheer up a miserable pity party.
10. Avocado Toasted
Due to you not knowing how to prepare anything or how to share, you only brought one slice of bread to the party, and an avocado that is just a little too mushy. Coincidentally, this is a metaphor for all of your financial and relationship problems.
9. Engraved “Ironic” Participation Trophy
You spent your childhood earning fake praise for just showing up, and your adulthood being told that’s the reason you’re entitled to be a winner. Share a celebratory guffaw with your fair-weather friends as you regale them with your many, many ‘almost’ triumphs that your mom told you really were wins, because “you tried your best!”
8. The House Key to Happiness
Okay, it actually hasn’t opened anything but a one-bedroom basement rental apartment in the most gentrified part of the city for the past decade, but it’s “the housing market that the Boomers fucked, man!” Jingle it sadly in your pocket while you Zillow-stalk that one high school friend who converted an 18th century school house into a $2.5 million McMansion where she homeschools her 5 kids with her hunky farmer husband who raises free range chickens and grows heirloom vegetables.
7. A Thermos of Artisanal Coffee
Priced at $9, flash the flask that you absolutely could not afford, but also absolutely could not live without. It’s the lifeblood that powers both your side-hustle and your existential dread. Remember, most businesses don’t make money for the first few years. Also, you just turned 40 and mathematically, you likely now have more years behind you than ahead of you. But the coffee is organic and fairtrade!
6. An “in demand circa 2006” Master’s Degree
It’s a great conversation starter that doubles as excellent kindling to start a garbage can hobo fire. Somehow, after 7 years of college, the only employable skill set you learned was how to fold sweaters during a brief decade-long stint in retail. Could an Assistant Manager at The Gap really be at fault for their own life choices? Obviously, NOT!
5. 10-foot Charging Cord
Because the party will likely be held in one corner of your hipster artist friend’s studio apartment that’s near an outlet this is a must bring item. Remember, the only thing worse than your iPhone 17 Pro Max dying is having to unplug from doomscrolling Sora AI videos of Stephen Hawking wrestling a shark or Bob Ross painting tributes to the World Trade Center … and start actually living.
4. Adult Coloring Book
Sure, you’ll only use it for exactly three minutes before giving up, but anxiety is part of your “brand.” After explaining how you color ‘outside the lines,’ bust out your expired prescription of Ativan that your BFFs psychologist husband gave you after you reasoned, “It’s just so hard to get out of bed these days.” If the crowd still isn’t satisfied with you self-loathing dressed up as a personality, show them your portable martini shaker and edu-tain them with your knowledge of a French 75.
3. Side-Hustle Supplies
Whether it’s your Etsy vinyl cutter, your podcasting mic, or your pilates mat for that one class you teach, it’s crucial to be constantly advertising your “passion” to your friends in the hopes that they will buy your shitty product or service if you buy theirs.
2. ‘Whimsically’ Named Wine
2025 is a smooth yet fruity vintage for “Mom Juice,” “Anxiety Lubricant,” and “Chardonnay d’abórtió.” Your friends will never know that the only part of the wine you actually vinificated was the label you printed on the office photocopier. Anyways, it’s not about wine, it’s about the meme-able photo op for your Instagram story.
1. Back to the Right Wing Future
Oops, your self-centered, entitled, 80s/90s nostalgia-addled brain forgot to remind you to bring anything! Stupid brain! No worries, you can talk politics! Unfortunately, the minute you bring up the fact that Covid was a test run for technocratic tyranny or that Trump is actually right about some stuff or that maybe the left celebrating the murder of Charlie Kirk is a bad look, the party is over.
Enjoy your pity party millennials! Don’t forget to tag it on insta #millennialcope #adulting #overthehillgenz
