Marv Singleton has been at war since Christmas of 2014. That’s when the retired grandfather of 7 first took up arms to defend the sacred holiday from cultural invaders seeking to homogenize, stigmatize, and de-Jesusize the most important day in the Christian faith.
“There was a hubbub back then about taking the nativity display out of the town square. Some Durka Durkas were arguing that there was no room for God on Main Street and launched a holy war to get baby Jesus kicked out of the premises.”
The longtime resident of Columbus, Ohio, who heads the community action group, Xmas Knights, tells America’s Number One Source of Newstainment, GWU! that since then, he has been on a mostly losing campaign across America to reclaim the blessed holiday in the name of Christ … until now.
This year, Singleton noticed a weakening of the enemy’s war on Christmas. “The Xmas Knights had been getting thousands of letters and emails from the public looking for help about stopping the removal of the religious element of Christmas from the holiday. “You know,” says Singleton, “stores with signs reading happy holidays, politicians avoiding saying Merry Christmas, the cancellation of school Christmas pageants, and office parties. Stuff like that. But this year we’re getting missives of yuletide gladness, not sadness.”
The octogenarian Christmas campaigner tells GWU! via MicroSoft Teams that his Xmas Knights and indeed all God fearing Americans have nearly won back the Christmas season.
“I ain’t sure of the reason, but I reckon that what with the war on woke being over and Trump being in office again, Christ is finally King again.”
WOKE TERMS THAT ARE SHIFTING BACK TO PROPER HISTORICAL USAGE
Winter Break – Christmas Break
Example: “I think Winter break runs through the week of Christmas this year?”
Holiday Party – Christmas Party
Example: “You know Pam in accounting? Ken merrily snapped his holiday cracker in her face at the Holiday party.”
Winter Sale – Christmas Sale
Example: “Boss! I’ve got it! If we call it a Winter Sale we can ripoff customers of all beliefs off for months!”
Holiday Tree – Christmas Tree
Example: “The mayor lit the Holiday Tree last night and unsurprisingly it had a Pride flag at the top.”
Festive holiday display – Nativity Scene
Example: “So based on this display there’s a magical holiday cross-over world somewhere where Santa hangs out with Jesus under a giant menorah while Kwanza music plays in the background?”
Seasonal Favorites – Christmas Carols
Example: “Why are these multiculturally diverse singers holding sheet music scrolls that read ‘SEASONAL FAVORITES’ in a scripty font?
Happy Holidays – Merry Christmas
Example: “I’m going to wish my Jewish neighbors ‘Happy Holidays so I don’t offend them about how they killed the guy whose birthday we’re literally all celebrating.”
Year-End Bonus – Christmas Bonus
Example: “My year end bonus won’t even cover my biological offspring’s year end festive holiday gifts that he thinks the Coke salesmen leaves for him under the Hanukkah wreath. More like Year-End Bogus!”
The True Meaning of Christmas
Sociologist and part-time college professor Amber Tone points out to GWU! the shifting cultural acceptance and re-normalization of Christmas.
“We went through a time of politically correct and culturally sensitive self-censorship over the last number of years. And Christmas, like the truth, was the first casualty of war.”
Tone, who teaches weekend evening classes at the San Francisco Institute for Higher Learning, says that people like her (pink-haired left-wing loons—ed) took things too far in an effort to be inclusive and equitable, and now the pendulum is simply swinging back.
“The Muslims wanted Eid to be on par with Christmas, but I mean, come on, how is Hallmark supposed to make movies around fasting and staying up praying all night? Boring,” adds Tone, who once organized a two-night Pro-Palestinian encampment on her school’s football field. “Give me a teenage pregnant mom on the run from literal cultural imperialists any time.”
Tone goes on to lecture that there’s way more money to be made when companies market their goods and services wrapped in Christmas greetings. “Who wants to go to an outdoor Holiday Market? Like, what even is that? But when you say Christmas Market, we get it right away, overcooked turkey legs, expensive artisan 3D printed Christmas tree ornaments, and 18th century carolers singing about baby Jesus having a nap.”
Joy To The World
Citing a recent study from Sociology Today, Tone says that it’s not just retailers recognizing the relevance of Christmas. It’s everyday people who are “simply tired of the linguistic minefield of Christmas vs. the holiday season.”
“The study, which polled 5,000 Americans from all 50 states, found that across all demographics, cultures, and even religions, they all identified the month of December and specifically the 25th of the month as Christmas.”
Olde wiseman Singleton, however, says the reason is deeper and spiritual in nature. He preaches that polls are just popularity contests and don’t actually reflect anything. (Like elections—ed)
“I think most people are basically afraid of showing their true selves and what they believe. Really, more people than even some fancy metropolitan poll can measure are on the right side of Christmas. And there’s room there for everyone; Muslims, Jews, BLT+, and even Commies. Christmas is about gathering together, setting aside our quarrels and throwing the best birthday celebration for the man who wouldn’t want us fighting but loving one another, Jesus Christ.”
