He had the money. He had the connections. He had the honorary community college film degree. And as newly unsealed DOJ documents reveal, Jeffrey Epstein would do anything or anyone to get on the silver screen.
The GWU! has combed through millions of pages of previously redacted documents to uncover the film and TV concepts Epstein pushed behind closed doors—ideas so grotesque, so morally bankrupt, they read like unintentionally comedic confessions. This is the pitch meeting from hell. And you’ve got a front row seat courtesy of America’s #1 Source for Newstainment.
1. The Social Syntax Error
February 4, 2003
TO: Bill Gates, Microsoft Corporation
Bill! I’m having a problem with my personal computer and all these viruses that almost seem to come preloaded in Windows! Clippy is NO HELP!
Have you ever thought about maybe selling some kind of ‘vaccine’ software to correct the problem? Could be a profitable cyclical business model? That’s what Reid Hoffman suggested over drinks at the cabana. How’s that for a reference? Get it? He created that new digital resume site! I doubt it will be as big as Myspace though with a stupid name like Linked-in. I know which one will still be around in 20 years!
This virus idea could be kind of like that scam you have going on in Africa with the human “vaccines.” Just a thought! You’re a university-educated doctor, so I’ll leave the details to you.
Jeff
PS: Have you reviewed my idea about an ‘interactive’ CD-ROM sitcom that writes itself using artificial computer thinking?
2. Royal Con
January 18, 2006
TO: His Royal Highness, Duke of York, Earl of Inverness, and Baron Killyleagh, Prince Andrew
Hey Andy,
Thanks for the heads up about the Doctor Who reboot. I’m looking forward to watching it. We here in across the pond love that unique, so ridiculous, so unbelievable sci-fi flavor only you Brits can seem to spawn. It’s like you ‘lot’ know something special about reptile aliens secretly controlling the world! I actually sent the head of ITV something about this a few years ago, but didn’t hear back. Thames the breaks!
Anyways, I have a certain female fan of ‘lizard tails’ that can’t wait to hatch your eggs when you’re at Lil St. James this weekend. Kisses to Fergie. Tata!
Your humble servant and tanning buddy,
Jeffy
3. Whorrey Potter
April 9, 2004
TO: David Copperfield
Presto David!
What a magic idea you pitched Ghislaine and me when we were your guests in Las Vegas for your truly astounding show. I’ve taken the liberty of sending a missive to the ‘Lost’ team about you potentially doing a cameo as ‘the smoke monster’ that kidnaps people on a remote island. It’s bonkers, I know! But the truth is always stranger than fiction!
On a separate note. I made that ‘little rabbit’ of yours that was trying to hop away, “disappear.”
Aberacadabera!
Jeffery
4. A Few Good Men After Cocktails
May 7, 2004
TO: Leonardo DiCaprio
Ciao Leonardo!
Molto grazie for hosting the Friends finale watch party at your quaint Roman villa. Lil’ Nas just texted me to say that he couldn’t believe that ending! I mean, Ross (totally gay) is finally with Rachel (waaaaay out of the league of someone who’s not rich)! And Chandler and Monica adopting twins? I mean, I like kids, but come on! Who’s gonna believe that? The world just doesn’t work that way unless you’re more wealthy than God, amirite?
…. Personal fav for a fellow thespian whose name rhymes with Bomb Cruise … my ride is in the shop …. are you able to send one of your jets to pick up this guy’s motorcycle from my new relaxation compound in New Mexico? Apparently, this Top Gun left it there after a bit of Risky Business with a Few Good Men after Cocktails. It’s not really that Far and Away as long as you keep your Eyes Wide Shut!
Jeff
PS: Naomi, Kev, Mick, and Cameron send their regards for missing the party. They were on the island hunting the world’s most dangerous game. You know what I mean? Wink! (Yes, I mean people.)
PPS: Did you have a chance to peruse my spec script for the Growing Pains murder mystery TV movie reunion special? I just know your fans would love to see this concept realized. Would be big for the VHS after-sales market, too.
5. The Twin Towers
July 6, 1998
TO: Harvey Weinstein, Miramax
Hey Harvey W.
I know that you’re not taking motion picture pitches right now, but I got a sure-fire winner. Picture it, 5 to 6 years from now, an older, established man is arrested in his Upper West Side apartment. Think Richard Gere but less Buddhist with fewer gerbils up his ass. Anyway, our hero is placed in the Brooklyn Detention Centre. Great shot of him being led down a perp walk with all the boys screaming and clapping. The next day, a guard rushes in to find that our hero has hanged himself with a bedsheet! People are going crazy. News. Twitter. The White House. It’s total chaos.
We fade to black only to appear a few seconds later on a beautiful beach near the Gaza border. Our hero is sipping a cocktail and has a beautiful woman by his side. That’s only the beginning. Think: The Shawshank Redemption meets Tiffany Towers.
6. Fantasy Island
September 24, 1988
TO: Redacted, NBC Television
Dear NBC Redacted,
Further to our conversation last weekend, the story is about an alien who lives with a typical family in an American suburb.
Jeff
Hi Jeff,
This is basically ALF, right?
NBC Redacted
Yo NBC Redacted,
What’s ALF? Oh, I see. No, no. By Alien, I meant a young, sexy female masseuse named Ailene. “Ha! I kill me!”
J
Hi J,
Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to fit into our Thursday Night lineup.
NBC Redacted.
What the hell do you guys know. I’ll start my own production and you all will be begging for a ticket to my show! It’s your funeral, not mine!
J
