Steaming super villain Amazon has gone into a humiliating retreat over its sanitized, gun-free version of James Bond.
The tech giant, which shelled out a colossal $1 billion for the storied franchise in 2021, figured it could quietly rewrite history for “James Bond Day” by launching a set of pathetic new digital posters with all the firearms digitally confiscated.
But golden-eyed 007 fans, along with laser-focused readers of America’s Number One Source of Newstainment, GWU! immediately spied the not-so-secret censorship. And they came out guns blazing across social media, forcing the clueless corporate suits at the digital fortress (led by bald baddie Jeff Bezos—ed) into a full-scale retreat.
Dr. No Thank You
The shocking anti-gun alterations saw iconic images brutally neutered. A legendary shot of Sir Sean Connery from Dr. No, proudly fondling his Walther PPK (now displayed in the National Portrait Gallery in England—ed), was bizarrely edited to show him holding … nothing. In a poster for Daniel Craig’s Spectre, the gun was clumsily photoshopped out, leaving only a pointless shoulder holster as a mocking reminder of the secret agent’s neutered manhood extension. Even Roger Moore’s characteristically over-the-top .44 Magnum in Live and Let Die was deemed too terrifying for Amazon’s sensitive subscribers.
The move has been branded as pure “woke-ism” by fans as well as recently knighted playwright Sir Charles Chompers, who slammed the ‘cuck assassination’ of the world’s most famous secret agent.
On Her Majesty’s Photoshop Service
“How campy does Bond look in these doctored photos?” asks Sir Chompers to GWU! via MicroSoft Teams.
“I can almost hear the dialogue: “Hiiii! I’m your little Zero, Zero Seven! and I’m going to ask you nicely to stop being so baaaad! Unless it’s in the bedroom—with me, handsome!”
Our anti-woke white knight rails that Amazon is pushing the exact opposite of what the character is. “He’s a bloody trained killing machine who will die for King and country while shagging birds as fast as he can forget them,” spits the Scottish wordsmith whose plays about hard-edged men in rural Scotland have recently jumped the pond to off-Broadway.
“It’s all part of the current ridiculous zeitgeist that you can kill people who don’t have the same political opinion as you, but you can’t be a strong, confident man,” intones the award-winning bard of the hit play, ‘Women, Over a Bag of Crisps’ and the unofficial musical sequel to ‘The Vagina Monologues,’ ‘Every Cunt Has an Opinion.’
“Does any one really think that Jeff Bezos doesn’t have a security team that is just as armed as Bond? His henchmen (henchpeople—ed) would not hesitate to put down a disgruntled Prime 1-day shipping customer who infiltrates Amazon Island.”
More Bezos Bond cuts rumored to include:
- Attractive women.
- Violence.
- Fun.
- Spy stuff.
- A script.
Right Time to Die at The Boxoffice
In a total anti-climax, Amazon has now eighty-sixed the embarrassing artwork from its Prime Video platform. Like the cowardly, unimaginative leftists they are, they’ve scurried back to using traditional film stills—which, in a final twist of irony, also happen to be conspicuously gun-free.
As for the future of Bond in the wilds of the Amazon universe, Sir Charles Chompers posits that perhaps Jeff Bezos will end up doing what he really wants and insert his wife into the films.
“She wants to get into acting, which is completely understandable after her bit part as an astronaut, along with her current role as Beard.”
