For single mom Fiona Powers, immigration was just part of the landscape that made America great. Fiona, 41, can trace her ancestral line as far back as 1849 at the height of the Great Irish Potato Famine which led millions of Micks to seek out and kiss the blarney stone shores of America.
That’s why when her neighborhood in suburban Chicago started to attract a contingent of people from India, she thought nothing of it.
“This country was founded on immigration, so why shouldn’t we return the favor,” she tells GWU!
Her tween son, Quinn, enjoyed that many Indians were opening discount tech shops that allowed him to get knock-off gadgets and phones at third-world prices, while Fiona enjoyed the flavorful Indian diners that sprung up in unlikely places, like back alleys, parks, and even inside apartment complexes. “I was a Dosa queen,” she laughs.
But that all changed during the COVID pandemic, when Fiona noticed that her white picket fence neighborhood, once home to some of Chicago’s most elite families, was being taken over by mostly young military-aged Indian men. “Uber drivers, students, and other gig economy folks had moved in and were lowering the property value,” Fiona sobs to America’s Number One Source of Newstainment, GWU!
“It’s exhausting,” she sighs over MicroSoft Teams. “Everywhere we go there are more and more Indians. Whether it’s the supermarket, the coffee shop, gas station, fast food restaurants. They basically turned our hometown shopping plaza into the Taj Ma Mini Mall.”
She goes on to say that they don’t have the same civic pride as the rest of the community. Everything from them leaving garbage everywhere to parking on lawns, to washing their saris in the creek that runs though the public park are everyday occurrences. “Our local water supply now smells like the Ganges!”
And Fiona is not alone in her frustration. Like millions of mostly white middle-class Americans, she is suffering from what Dr. Lee Creuset has diagnosed as Indian Fatigue.
“The cultural disparity is due to both the Obama and Biden administrations’ lax entry and reentry policies, specifically from the increased number of Indian foreign nationals literally shitting all over the land of the free,” writes Dr. Creusett, the author of the new book, The Curry to Indian Fatigue: 10 Ways You Can Get Your Health and Country Back.
He laments in the book that even in his suburban neighbourhood in Miami-Dade County, Indians “play cricket in every park, field, and Walmart parking lot they can, ah-hem, not get a permit to. And while I don’t mind the Gentlemen’s Game, I would prefer it wasn’t played at 2 AM on my cul-de-sac.”
Same Singh, Same Story
While Creuset isn’t a sports doctor, he is a certified medical practitioner along with having written the seminal 1993 New York Times bestseller Wife Fatigue: America’s Nagging Problem. And just as he so expertly advised millions of hen-pecked men in the early nineties, he’s now bringing his sage advice to the persistent problem of Indian Fatigue. While not a readily recognized medical condition by the medical industrial complex (Paging Dr. Pfachi—ed), our top doc says every American owes it to one another to stay safe and stop the spread of a low-trust society by following these simple steps as shared first exclusively for GWU!
It’s a Vonderful Life
Uber Eats may sound like the perfect meal to complement your Netflix and Chill night, details the book, but that $30 chicken wing meal comes with a spicy price tag. Creuset cites the willingness of Indians to work for low wages and under the table, often while visiting the country under falsified education requirements. “They say every time the Uber Eats app dings, 300,000 Indians get a student visa.”
Duck, Duct, Indian
“I bet you didn’t know that the national pastime of India is not cricket,” Creuset pontificates in his book. After a lengthy retelling of the history of sport in the subcontinent he sums it up in one sentence: It’s actually telemarketing. The good doc goes on to advise to just stop answering your phone. From duct cleaners to window washers to too good to be true cellphone plans, if you get an unknown call after 6:00 p.m. just forward it to voicemail.
Taj Ma Mini Mall
Once a cornerstone of American life, the cherished mall has been colonized and ransacked by Indians, he writes. Whether it’s taking all the tables in the food court to replacing The Gap with Temu Outlets and bathing in the mall wishing fountain, Americans are being pushed out of their traditional concrete jungle habitats. “Order online?” Creuset questions. “I mean, I guess an e-scooter riding Indian will still be delivering it, but that’s just how it works when you replace the cap in capitalism with a turban.” As an alternative, Dr. Creuset says to shift to buying locally and supporting farmers’ markets and independent merchants.
Always got time for Raj Hortons
There is no need to repeat your complex coffee order of ‘two creams, one sugar’ 6 times and still get a steeped tea with chocolate milk, reflects our culturally caffeinated doc. “Just stay home and make your own fresh cup of joe and dress it how you’d like.”
In one chapter of Indian Fatigue titled Canadian Timigration, the doctor observes that this isn’t a uniquely American immigration issue. “Our socialist neighbor to the north has some of the most lax immigration laws in the world. Add to that the fact that their government literally pays corporations subsidies to employ foreign nationals, well, it’s lead to extremely fed up hosers.”
According to Creuset’s research, Canada has imported more than 5 million Indians in the past five years alone. “For a country so obsessed with the colonialism it’s a bit ironic that they’re now being overrun with a new culture that doesn’t respect the native peoples ways and values.”
Gurdeep Shit
“Watch out for yourself and your loved ones out on the road,” warns our doctor of doom in a chapter titled Flip Flopping on Trucking Standards. “These dudes have barely one license between four of them. But that doesn’t stop them from driving. Together! Creuset reports that the trucking industry is dangerously overpopulated with unsafe and illegal open-toe wearing Indian truck drivers who flout safety regulations and are known to drive in rotating teams, never stopping their vehicles, preferring to poo through a hole in the floor of their cab and keep on trucking. He advises installing a dash cam to catch the worst offenders, as well as the ones that run insurance scammers involving walking into your parked car.
Is that a Bollywood in your pocket or are you just happy to pajeet me?
“You know that trope about visible minority men who are after your women? Yeah, it’s true in this case,” warns the doc. “Indian men have a, shall we say, less modern level of respect for women.” Arranged marriages, dowries and honour killings are all common practices in India, so don’t expect “a Tamil tiger to change its red dots,” cautions Creuset.
“If you’re a young woman on the dating scene, swipe whichever way it is you’re supposed to in order to control, alt, delete every pajeet. These men may fetishize your blonde hair and blue eyes, but they do not respect you and will not make good partners. Be sure to update your profile to indicate: NO VEGITARIANS.”
The grass always looks Gandi on the other side
Dr. Creuset acknowledges in the soon-to-be bestseller’s Afterword that while some may label his new book ‘racist’ nothing could be further from the truth. “On their own, Indians are delightful. They have a rich history and are some of the nicest folks on the planet.” He goes on (to dig his own hole?—ed) explaining that the problem is that Indians have a very different way of looking at and doing things.
“The young, mostly male Indians who come to the West are from the poorest of the poor slums of India. Life there is hard. It is brutal. I went on a safari jungle hunt there in 1971. I get it. These people are programmed to survive and if that means breaking every rule in the book to do so, they’re fine with that.”
The doc writes that Indians are just doing what they have to do, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer through it.
“When 14 men are sharing an unlicensed basement apartment in the house next door, you need to contact your city zoning department, the tax collector and ICE. Don’t be the chump watching from his window as gangs of young men holding hands strut down the street on their way to go shopping at the food bank.”
It’s Not a Joke – It’s a Pun-jab!
While Dr. Creuset’s observations in his certain to be award-winning book may have a humorous tone, it’s no laughing matter to everyday Americans like Fiona and her son Quinn. “I feel unsafe walking the streets now, and my son can’t get a part-time job because Indians are being given all the entry-level positions. It’s like some kind of a replacement. And that’s not great.”
The doctor’s final advice on Indian fatigue is to bulk up on Americana and exercise your freedom of speech.
“Be a patriot and call out what’s happening. The health of our nation depends on it.”
