Letter to the Editor
Dear Karen and Kevin
As a retired Boomer, one thing I look forward to each year is heading down to Palm Springs, California, to check out the Coachella music festival. I usually go with some other mature flower children because we love the cool music and laidback alternative vibes. Think ‘Creedence Clearwater Revival’ but with a smooth, filtered corporate taste. No cringe here, as the kids say. Sure, a ticket is a few grand, but that’s the price you pay to be part of the counterculture movement.
Since last year, I’ve been skipping the festival to stick it to Donald Trump. We will not be the 51st state! Of course, my wife and her friends are disappointed, but as former PM Justin Trudeau put it, ‘there is nothing America has that we need.’ What can I say, I’m a team player in the Elbows Up faceoff against the evil Orange Man. But when I saw photos of Trudeau with his new ladyfriend Katy Perry at the festival, my cognitive dissonance shot up to 11. Is Justin Trudeau being a hypocrite going to Coachella, while the rest of us have to stay home? Is Elbows Up over?
Peace out,
Groovy And Young
Hey GAY,
First things first, Elbows Up! is not over! In fact, since the Liberal installation of PM Big Daddy Mark Carney and the floor crossing of Conservative (former) scumbags like Marilyn Gladu, the movement is stronger than ever. Canada Strong!
Boy, what I wouldn’t do to see a concert that isn’t in the Ottawa Civic Centre. I like you, I am tres disappointed that I missed out on Coachella for a second straight year. Karen used to meet such great guys there, and while it often meant me having to sleep outside our tent, it was worth it to see the enjoyment on her face as I watched nameless young bros nail my wife.
I’ll be clear, GAY. Justin Trudeau safely and successfully navigated Canada through both the COVID-19 pandemic and the ensuing economic uncertainty that saw Canada emerge as a global leader. He served our country for many years and set aside his business and personal life in the noble pursuit of public service. His was a life of sacrifice for his fellow Canadians.
Trudeau may have been the one to put the idea of the 51st state into Donald Trump’s head, but that man is unpredictable and (disgustingly) puts America first. So we really can’t hold anything that Trudeau did or didn’t allegedly do against him. (And that includes all the sexual misconduct rumours. I’m looking at you, X!)
Our former great leader has earned some respite from the vipers that now sting on social media and even the legitimate press, which has forgotten its place by openly criticising Trudeau. Trudeau hasn’t lied to us or let us down. Attending a US concert is no big deal. Sure, he took a carbon-emitting private jet to go spend money in a country he told us to boycott, so what? Yes, he was drinking American alcohol out of the type of disposable plastic cups he banned in Canada. But it’s actually us that aren’t doing our part by continuing to buy gas refined in the US, eat food grown in the US, and follow popular US artists, like the (admittedly) lovely Katy Perry. In the words of Justin Trudeau, we define ourselves by “not being American.”
I, for one, celebrate Trudeau flying his Perry flag with pride. The man has earned his retirement and the fulfilment of his teenage dreams to drunkenly romp around a music festival well into his 50s with a young pop tart.
— Kevin
Hi GAY,
My partner Kevin always had a thing for space. Whether it was hoaky science fiction, the money-wasting ‘real’ space program, or faking reentry with his not-so-penis-sized penis. So I get it that he’s giving ‘astro-not’ Katy Perry a pass for abducting Justin.
Yes, abducted. When the devil-worshiping sell-out, Katy, first dug her claws into the delicious man-meat that is JT, he was a happily married man who only cheated on weekends. Which as we all know, means it didn’t happen during work hours and is not subject to the marriage contract.
I’m not sure why Katy plotted to steal Canada’s favourite son. It could be his boyish good looks, his beautiful hair, or his cunning oratory skills that make it sound like he’s going down on a woman in every speech he makes. Ah, uhm, ah, ohhhh!
Perhaps Katy was hoping to tame the silver spoon raised stud and ride him to Canadian citizenship. She could then enjoy the wealth and fame that government Can-con regulations ensures, thanks to guaranteed air time on local FM radio.
Maybe she thought he had the cure for the covid vaccine that made her eye all twitchy that one time.
Could it be that she wanted to join the Canadian Space Agency, which makes regular trips to Mars AKA Devon Island.
Or maybe Katy just really wanted to be in a relationship with a black lesbian?
So as you can see, GAY, it’s all Katy Perry’s fault even though we never voted for her and she never did anything that affected Canadian’s lives so dramatically as our former drama teacher leader.
With Trudeau’s former adviser Mark Carney now in the role of Big Daddy it’s more important now than ever to follow official government messaging even more slavishly than before if we want to survive. Because we’re all in this together.
Just like Justin said so moistly many years ago: it will just be two weeks to flatten the curve. And I’m telling you it will just be two weeks to flatten that elbow, GAY.
— Karen
