In a pairing that has set both political and entertainment circles abuzz, celebrity sex expert Joan Bailey tattles to America’s Number One Source of Newstainment, GWU! that Pop Princess Katy Perry is in for a world of sexual and emotional disappointment with her new lover, former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
“Katy is at the peak of her lucrative career, while disgraced deadbeat dad Justin is struggling to navigate his post-premiership life,” oozes Bailey to the GWU! Check da Facts Department over MicroSoft Teams.
Regarded as one of the best-selling music artists in history, Perry has been spotted at several low-key gatherings, including dining in a Montreal restaurant, and more recently on her mega yacht in the wiry arms of Canada’s former faux environmental feminist.
“His liberal charm will wear off soon,” assures Bailey from her home office in Tempe, Arizona. “Just as it did for millions of Canadians who suffered under his reign of terror during the COVID scamdemic.”
Little House on the Perry
Bailey notes, “Katy is a global mega brand worth hundreds of millions, while Justin is a pensioner who, after a short and disastrous stint in public service, economically tanked his small socialist nation. The former ski instructor is just not in her tax bracket, and after seeing the terrible condition he left Canada in, I’m shocked that any woman, let alone a certified astronaut like Perry, would share her space with him.”
Our expert goes on to speculate that this economic imbalance could place unexpected strain on the relationship’s power dynamics. “Traditionally, it has always been the man who takes care of the woman, but since effeminate Trudeau can’t even define what a woman is, I guess that stereotype likely won’t be a problem for him.”
Family Matters
Bailey wonders if Perry will even be able to fit all of Trudeau’s emotional baggage onto her private jet, as the divorcee enters the relationship with a ready-made family: three children and a co-parenting relationship with his social media-crazed French-Canadian ex-wife, Sophie Grégoire.
Justin was naturally drawn to the self-destructive Montreal TV news actress, tattles Bailey. “He was seeking and found a woman just like his bipolar mother. And just like MILFY Maggie, there wasn’t a political pole in Ottawa that wasn’t polished when Sophie went on the prowl.”
Fuck Trudeau
“The main issue for Katy is that Justin, despite his well-documented red-hot public temper, is 52 years old and his best days in the bedroom are way behind him. Many older men rely on ED meds to keep the night going,” says our expert, who once studied under the tutelage of Dr. Ruth Westheimer.
Bailey goes on to pontificate that a sex symbol like Katy probably isn’t used to such a mismatch in libido. “Katy is an aerial shell firecracker, while Justin is basically a sparkler,” laughs Bailey. “Despite the fact that Justin is 50% Latino on his dictator father Fidel Castro’s side, Katy is not going to be puffing on any large Cuban cigars any time soon.”
A Liberal List of Lovers
Their romantic histories could not be more different. Perry’s past includes high-profile relationships with Rumble truth teller Russell Brand and silver screen heartthrob Orlando Bloom. Trudeau, conversely, was in a long-term ball and chain marriage for nearly two decades before its dissolution, which was swiftly followed by ex wife’s own rumored romance with musician Seal and an Ottawa area orthodontist.
According to Bailey, “This has all the hallmarks of a rebound saga. You have a powerful woman used to dating peers at the top of their game, and a recently single middle-aged man grappling with his identity after a very public life. It’s a compelling story, but whether it’s a sustainable partnership is another question entirely. Especially given the fact that Trudeau is gay.”
