When conservative spokeshole and founder of Turning Point USA Charlie Kirk was murdered with a military-precision gunshot to the neck on September 10, the FBI and the Trump administration vowed to capture the killer. Thirty-three hours later, their hunt had ended with the arrest of Tyler Robinson, a 22-year-old white, trans-loving, Discord-obsessed, video game addicted, furry hugging, liberal loon, who conveniently fit the description of who everyone believed the assassin should be.
Sound too much like a made-for-TV movie from the ’90s? Our resident political assassination expert, former CIA operative/sitcom producer Willis Coleman, agrees.
“Of course, at no time would any media pundit question that narrative, which has more holes in it than a buddy cop film starring The Rock and Kevin Hart,” says Coleman in this exclusive truth preview to America’s Number One Source of Newstainment, the GWU!
“Nobody even asked why the Jerusalem Post released the story to their subscribers moments before the actual murder took place. Or when non-fiction author Anastasia J. Casey published The Shooting of Charlie Kirk: A Comprehensive Account of the Utah Valley University Attack, the Aftermath, and America’s Response on Amazon (they’ll publish anything—ed) days before the heinous act of cable TV violence,” rails the truth tea-spilling spook.
But forget all those facts and join theGWU! down the rabbit hole with five reasons that—even though like 9/11, Israel was behind the killing—you should totally believe these distractionary Deep State cover stories instead.
1. MEME Murder
The FBI has told the public that Robinson inscribed meme-related phrases on bullet casings. The fired cartridge casing that ripped through Kirk’s neck was inscribed with the phrase “If you read this, you are gay, LMAO;” and “Hey fascist, catch!” An unfired casing was inscribed with the impossibly long message: “Oh bella ciao, bella ciao, ciao, ciao,” an anthem of the Italian anti-fascist resistance that has also been co-opted ironically by some online groups.
Coleman, however, questions the ridiculousness of this claim, along with one bonkers bullet inscription not released to the public that reads: I Can Has Cheezburger. “Are you kidding me? These magic bullets have higher character counts than a Yahoo! email subject line. They sound more like movie props than police evidence.”
2. Hebrew in Disguise
“Another key indicator of his guilt was that Robinson was living with and dating a male transitioning to female, and the Feds claim this is what motivated Robinson to kill Kirk,” adlibs Coleman. “Anyone who has actually read The Shooting of Charlie Kirk would know that Charlie was all about protecting freedom of speech. He didn’t hate the trannies. In fact,” insists Coleman, “Kirk was probably one of the only people on the so-called right who gave these confused people a platform to catwalk their insane version of science.” Coleman, who was a close follower of Kirk on TikTok, wonders if the newly anointed Saint of MAGA’s recent shift in stance to supporting Palestine may have been the final nail in his coffin. “Talk about going off script!”
3. That’s Snuff of this Film
According to a former anonymous co-worker, says the not-so-anonymous Coleman, Robinson once bragged about his long-range shooting abilities, but that’s the only evidence of Robinson even using a gun. “You can even watch the damn videos on controlled op sites like Rumble and BitChute,” double takes Coleman, “there’s no gun when so-called Robinson is running from the scene, yet Kash Patel and his merry band of DEI hires found a high-powered bolt-action rifle in the forest wrapped in a blanket! Who believes this basic cable-level writing? Thank you, come again, Mr. Patel.”
4. Father Knows Best
“Did I do that?” asks Coleman as he hitches up his pants in his best Urkel impression. Of course, the former special CIA liaison to MGM Studios is joking when he speaks about Tyler’s father turning his son in. “So, you’re telling me that his father called the FBI to say that his son, who had no prior criminal record or license to carry, saw a grainy image of a man, likely AI, on TV and said, ‘That’s my boy!’ I’ve supervised a lot of garbage TV, but this script wouldn’t even make it out of Chuck Lorre’s office.”
5. “AI, oh! Oy, Vey!
Before any potential confession, investigators tied Robinson to the crime through a multi-faceted approach that included a ChatGPT review of his online messages, interviews with his family and friends, and analysis of surveillance video, including his comments made on the Breaking the Narrative subreddit and its secretive invite-only Discord channels. Coleman says that, like the so-called Epstein suicide debacle in 2019, the FBI is covering this up for President Donald Trump. “Don’t forget about the plane that took off from Provo, Utah, minutes after the shooting,” Coleman says with a sly wink. While Internet sleuths lost the plane after its transponder was switched off, Coleman and other former CIA ops tracked it all the way back to LaLa Land.
Raise Your False Flag for Turning Point CIA
While most of Kirk’s terminally online conservative cuck followers are swallowing the disgusting drivel being mass-produced in LA and written in an underground bunker in Langley, even more are joining the so-called influencers’ war on woke. Keyboard warriors across the continental US and even some parts of Hawaii and Alaska are making tribute orders at coffee chain Starbucks in his name.
“These superfans are trying to rewrite the ending to Kirk’s cancellation by ordering a Mint Majesty tea with two honeys,” says Coleman, while miming shooting himself in the throat. The trend is based on Kirk once telling a Turning Point USA attendee that the beverage kept him from losing his voice. “And now, his fans are taking up his noble cause … and ensuring they don’t lose their voice,” eyerolls Coleman. “This is like trying to fanfic-rewrite season 8 of Game of Thrones. It ended badly for all the characters and made no sense. Can we not just leave it at that?”
Turning Point USA has confirmed to the GWU! that Kirk’s memorial service will be held at State Farm Stadium in Glendale, Arizona, on Sunday, Sept. 21. The doors will open at 8 a.m. MST, and the service will start at 11 a.m. MST (1 p.m. Eastern).
The service is open to the public; however, advance registration is required on the official website.
