The devoted followers of Charlie Kirk will be happy to learn that the always right truth-telling prophet is alive and well, and enjoying his ‘afterlife’ out of the public spotlight on a secluded 3.5-star resort compound off the coast of Venezuela.
According to a worker from the resort who spoke to GWU! on the condition of anonymity, political firebrand Kirk is spending his days relaxing by the pool, dining out at the buffet, and even playing volleyball with JonBenét Ramsey and other extracted celebs thought by the public to be long dead.
“I can confirm 100% that Charlie Kirk is alive and living life to the fullest,” insisted Jose to GWU! over a securely encrypted MicroSoft Teams call.
The Epstein file
Jose, who has been working at what is simply called ‘The Resort’ for seven years, said that Charlie arrived a few hours after his “assassination” in Utah. “He was in good spirits, but tired after the long flight. He checked into his room and later headed to the spa with Jeffery … yeah, that Jeffery,” he smiles.
Jeffrey, of course, is the infamous alleged sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, who “committed suicide” in a New York City jail in 2019. Our ‘no tips, sir’ tipster adds that the secluded, heavily guarded resort, which is closed to the public, has many high-profile guests who have supposedly died in the past five decades, including aging rock stars Jim Morrison, Jerry Garcia, and rapper Tupac Shakur, along with politicians, business leaders, and more!
“Everybody gets along,” Jose laughs to America’s Number 1 Source of Newstainment, GWU!. “It’s a great place to work.” The resort, which was a former top-secret US Naval base, was originally opened to allow for famous people to lay low, out of the public eye, but over time it has grown to be the exclusive private retreat of key “dead” public figures that governments and clandestine movers and shakers want out of sight and out of mind. Figures, Jose posits, who were used as sacrifices to incite civil unrest and political turmoil. “Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein share a poolside condo on the compound. They’re very generous tippers.”
Jose argues there’s no question that Kirk loves his new life after death. “He’s free from all the pressure of success … and Israel trying to kill him for real.” The house boy to the stars shares that Kirk confided in him that he’s actually enjoying the fact that the only thing he has to debate now is whether to have the all you can eat Adrenochrome Sang Cuit de Cherbourg or just a whole baby.
A mauser reasons why Kirk killing has holes in it
The so-called assassination of Charlie Kirk has come under heavy scrutiny from social media sleuths who have questioned everything from the blood spatter, lack of crime scene investigation, the .30-06-caliber Mauser rifle that appeared to be only cause a flesh wound, bullets with meme engravings, (as first reported by GWU—ed), and, of course, Kirk’s over-the-top grieving widow actress/Miss USA who once ran a Romanian “adoption” agency.
“We are not allowed to speak to guests about their past lives,” says our informant. He also adds that Charlie is one of the few guests who was allowed visitors to the top secret Thursday night line dance lessons at the resort led by Princess Diana. Kirk has already been visited by his greasepaint makeup-wearing wife, irate leaders President Trump and Prime Minister Netanyahu, as well as a stunned (as usual—ed) Kash Patel.
“My understanding is that Trump was disappointed in the fallout after Kirk. While the deep state was hoping for a civil war to break out, they only got a 48-hour suspension of the Jimmy Kimmel show,” adds GWU! resident covert intelligence expert Willis Coleman. Coleman, a retired CIA operative, coincidentally worked as a towel boy at the resort from 1976–79.
Love me tender like a lady
Coleman was there when the King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley, vacationed at the off-map resort in ’77 and even helped him pack up to leave with his surgically altered face a year later. “People called him ‘The King’ as a nickname; real names are banned on the island. The night before he shipped out for his new life in Thailand, we threw him a big party and crowned him queen of the island. Which made sense considering his gender reassignment.”
Willis explains that, like Elvis, this won’t be Kirk’s swan song. “He’ll lie low on the island for a few years and then, through AI technology and state-of-the-art facial reconstruction surgery, he’ll be back in the USA fighting for freedom. Probably as a woman.”
For Epstein and Bin Laden, though, there won’t be a similar character transformation. “Guys like that think the all-inclusive lifestyle will eventually serve up their freedom, but some people, even with a brand new identity, are just too dangerous for The Resort to ever allow to truly check out.”
