The global elite are pushing new control measures on the general public as a supposed means of dealing with the rising price of oil in the wake of the Military Industrial Complex’s fake Iran war, tattles former CIA agent, Willis Coleman.
Coleman, who spoke exclusively to GWU! via MicroSoft Teams, was with the spy agency’s top-level ‘Cultural Behavior Modification Unit’ for nearly four decades before retiring to become a predictive analyst. “With the planned shipping bottleneck continuing in the Strait of Hormuz the flow of oil has been reduced by 20 million barrels a day,” adds the former script supervisor for the CIA-funded Who’s the Boss TV show. “A reduction that has led to skyrocketing prices for consumers, with the price per barrel now above $100.”
Coleman, who did location scouting in the Strait of Hormuz during the final season of Love Boat, is familiar with the war zone and does not see Operation Epic Fury ending anytime soon. “Luckily,” he laughs during the call, “the always helpful and never self-serving technocrat billionaires who run the world have issued the following marching orders to their government middle managers who pretend to be in charge.”
Now, Coleman is all gassed up to leak some of the propaganda-powered fuel-saving scams that the elites are pumping in this unleaded exclusive with America’s #1 Source of Newstainment, the GWU!
1. Work from home, Pleeb!
“Hey, you remember how great the plandemic was, right?” quips the spy who came in from the common cold. “Zoom calls in bed, afternoon naps, and zero need to wear pants at work! Well, they who must not be named are hoping you’ll do it all over again, since you clearly learned nothing about surrendering your freedom in exchange for convenience the first time.”
He goes on to explain the reasoning of the bonkers idea: “Come on! Just think of the hassle of in-person meetings or opening up your physical store when you can do it all online! Don’t worry, the powers that should not be won’t choose winners and losers and will never use this as a pretext to crush small business in yet another giant wealth transfer to the top 1%. Ha!”
2. Speed demons
“Did you know that reducing the speed limit by just 5 miles per hour will make you late everywhere you go, cause traffic jams, and generally make you so fed up with driving that you won’t even bother?”
The oil cartel certainly did, says the squeaky spy who got the oil. “Sultan John Q. Public says: Trust us! Stay off the road so we have more space for our stretch limousines.”
3. Alternate car access for alternating days
Coleman details how this idea will work. “On day one, you get to drive. On day two, your neighbor gets to drive. Then on all the rest of the days, your tyrannical, out-of-control government will ticket you if you drive.”
It all follows a biblical sort of logic, says the avowed atheist who was line producer on Dan Aykroyd’s short-lived motorcycle-riding priest crash and burn, Soul Man on ABC. “One day out of seven will actually increase productivity. Like it did for us slaves when my people built the pyramids. Oy vey!”
4. Another One Takes the Bus
“It’s fun to ride the bus, like in the Weird Al song!” smirks Coleman, who literally drove the Dr. Demento Summer of Funner ’77 college campus tour bus. “Sure, the song doesn’t mention: smelly Indians taking a dump on the seats or roaming rape gangs blocking the doors or fentanyl addicts ODing on the floor—but it’s catchy just the same. See, you’re already humming it now!”
The only part of this that doesn’t transfer is that buses would enable citizens to have some level of movement beyond their 15-minute cities. But Coleman says the issue is easily solved thanks to the soon-to-be-mandated global digital ID, combined with the ever-present cameras on every street corner of the surveillance state.
5. Dystopia, Now Boarding!
The GWU! frequent informant flyer chatters that reducing business and pleasure flights can quickly ease pressure off of jet fuel reserves while simultaneously lightening the load on overworked air hostesses who are busy pouring drinks for millionaires on the way to their private islands. “Come on, did you reaaaallly need to go to your mother’s funeral a whole state away from your district?”
6. I Dream of LNGNIE
It’s said that food cooked with gas tastes better, but Coleman, no relation to the camping stove empire, asks on behalf of the global kabob: “Think of our precious LNG that we need to heat our secret Antarctic alien-filled hot tubs with?” He reasons that when you make the switch from gas, you won’t even notice the difference. “In fact, the food will actually taste even better after you build up an appetite from all the wood you’ve chopped to cook your food and stay warm enough to survive the NWOs gasless, dystopian hellscape—that will keep you safe.”
Despite Coleman supporting Operation Epic Fury, he is aware that the massive psyop will, in the end, be another step forward in the absolute enslavement of the world’s population. “But, hey,” winks the former roommate of spy novelist and creator of Middle Eastern comedy sitcom I Dream of Jeannie, Sidney Sheldon. “I can neither confirm nor deny any of this.”
