You’ve read the explosive bombed pitches sexpest Jeffrey Epstein emailed to now disgraced former celebrity power brokers. They were horrible, hackneyed, and hellish.
That’s why our readers have told America’s Number One Source of Newstainment—that they want more forwards from the former financier. Turn off your sense of good taste for more non-SPAM filtered Epstein email pitches from The GWU!
1. Black Comedy of Errors
February 26, 2007
TO: Will Smith
How’s my Fresh Prince doing this morning? You was robbed of that Oscar for The Pursuit of Happyness. It was like Men in Black meets Macbeth. Hollywood sure is one corrupt town.
Zero pressure … but any thoughts on my outline for Black Men In Black? I know the idea of historical men of color being plucked from time to fight aliens seems a bit ‘high concept’ (and Denzil passed), but I think this could be a game-changer for Black American storytelling.
Attached you’ll find an invoice for ‘that thing’ you did with ‘that guy’. As requested, I made it out to your lovely wife as an ‘alopecia treatment’, whatever that is!
– DJ Jazzy Jeff!
2. Killery Bill
August 2010
TO: Secretary of State Madam Hillary Clinton
Hey Hil,
Bill is asking if he’s allowed to stay for a few more days. I told him you wouldn’t like the idea … but you know Billy!
If it’s okay with you, I promise to keep him away from the riffraff eurotrash girls that Emmanuel and his husband Brigitte always bring. Those two nuts!
As the state department obviously knows, we’re recording EVERYTHING here. So if Bill’s southern hands roam too far, I can always send you the tapes of any witnesses, who I’m sure will have long and happy accident-free lives.
Jeffery
PS My legal guy wants to know if re-run rights on ‘the tapes’ remain property of the US government? If not, can we possibly work out some kind of mutually beneficial syndication deal?
3. Agent Provocateur
April 18, 2003
TO: Casey Wasserman, Wasserman Agency / Media Group
Thanks for the list of potential casting for the pilot I’m self-financing. I can’t wait to get cameras rolling on Survivor: St. James! (Pending copyright clearance, of course).
We’re going to be in Paris for a few days before going shopping in Nepal. Anything you want from here? Blondes are going for a lot less from the local brokers.
Kisses,
Jeffery and Ghislaine
4. Clear and Presidential Danger
February 16, 1985
Donald Trump
Hey Donny! How about this electronic mail! Rad, right?
It’s really astounding what we can do with technology now! Our mutual friend Bill, from ‘Micro-hard,’ showed me you can actually send images too! You won’t believe this photo of Brooke Shields I’m sending you now. It should be uploaded to you by sometime tomorrow. I think downloading it is just as fast, but I’m not really sure if electronic mail is something I’ll ever get the hang of.
I accidentally put that TV game show idea about a mean boss in my computer’s trash can, so I think it’s gone. Can you send it by regular mail instead? I think I can get it in front of some eyes at a few networks. Who knows? I mean, they passed on my idea about a wholesome Jewish boy running a southern whore house in the wild west, so what do those suits know anyway?
How are the renovations going at Club Mar-a-Lago? You should really turn that place into a top-notch, invite-only resort for the well-to-do. Just think of all the contacts that would be coming right to your front door! And if you need a staff… maids, waitresses, masseuses, I have some connections at local area high schools. Just send me an electronic letter when you figure out how to make the whole thing a tax write-off.
Your best friend, Jeffery
5. Summer Rental: Camel Toe
TO: Sultan Ahmed bin Sulayem, DP World
November, 2009
Thanks for that torture video. I know it was real, of course, but the dentist chair in it kind of looked like the one I have on the island. Obviously, it wasn’t filmed there because, as you know, MOSSAD strictly enforces our no cameras policy, unless they’re hidden in the mirrors. LOL!
Best Buddy
J
PS: Unfortunately, Ghislene and I won’t be able to join you in the UAE for Ramadan this year. Please give our best regards to your children, your wives, and your girlfriends.
PPS: Our buddy cop film pitch about a handsome Jew and his hilarious Muslim friend got shot down at Universal, WB, FOX. Where’s MOSSAD film distribution when you need it!
6. The Godfather 4 the WEF
2018
Borge Brende, World Economic Forum (WEF)
Hey, hey, hey, it’s your Davos Concierge!
Just wanted to follow up on our Davos dinner meeting at that chalet with that cute brunette waitress. I trust my introduction went well. Norwegian wink and nudge!
Getting down to business… I would propose a more gradual plan for the WEF to take the place of the UN as you so astutely observed, ‘must happen for humanity to survive under the supervision of the superior technocratic elite’.
The general public can be … fickle … and won’t react well if all a sudden the Satanic global cult that conspiracy theorists said was plotting to rule the world all of a sudden does. I’m sure you’ve seen The Sopranos? (I actually ghostwrote a concept to an outline for a season two episode that was unproduced, but fuhgeddaboudit!) You gotta ease into the NWO, Borge. Like when Little Tony wanted to be a made man. They didn’t just hand him a gun and say, ‘Go cull the world’s population by one third and eliminate the useless eaters. Capisce?”
You might not hear from me for a bit as I’ve run into some, uh, minor legal trouble. If I do happen to unalive myself, please look me up on that other island I mentioned to you.
– Jeffrey Epstein
