While the aptly titled Hollywood blockbuster Sinners got some praise, it was Paul “Marx” Anderson’s communist manifesto One Battle After Another that took home Oscar gold in the end. My seasoned colleague Clammy J. Byner called the film “A story extolling the benefits of illegal immigration and basic anarchy against the right-wing, starring Titanic dreamboat, Leo.” Clammy, who celebrated his 27th year as a seat filler for the no longer relevant film advertisement ceremony, handed the reins of the unwieldly awards wankfest off to the new generation of GWU!—myself and newsdesk hottie Casey Riley.
But while Clammy was hobnobbing with the rich and famous, Cas and I penetrated deep inside the reptilian red-carpet trenches of cinematic sin.
Cloned Jim Carrey
There were multiple instances of actors cloning around at the pre-awards red carpet that I’ll be sharing with ya here, fam. Cas and I scored an exclusive with just one of the Jim Carrey’s after spotting him despite his clever disguise.
Where’s Sean Penn?
Sean Penn, star of such foreign films as Dude, Who Stole My Iraqi WMDs? and Fast Times at Jihad High, was a no-show when his name was called for Best Supporting Actor. The frequent bomb maker was a hard-on favorite to win the prize; however, the accomplished director (cite sources—ed) had been dispatched to Iran, according to insiders, for a special international envoy working towards a resolution to the ongoing crisis of actors suffering from TDS.
One Waffle House Battle After Another
After being robbed for the Best Supporting Actress award, Teyana Taylor took her frustration out on the red carpet. “I was standing right behind her when she shoved an old lady,” Clammy told me over morning debrief Mai Tais at Trader Vic’s. Clammy then followed Taylor with the GWU! News Crew to a West Hollywood Waffle House, where the self-proclaimed Black Female Role Model for Black women dug into an epic food fight with wig pulling on the side. Well, said the veteran Byner: “It’s really one waffle house battle after another for this sinner.”
Conan from the year 2000
The GWU! News crew got a chance to vibe out with Oscars host Conan O’Brien backstage. I could tell Grandpa was pretty spry for an old timer by the way he was looking at Casey. The old dude, who I think has a podcast, told us that he ‘totally used to be a thing on late night’ (whatever that is?). He also wrote for some Family Guy rip-off show, but with yellow characters. Casey didn’t ‘give him her number.’ Like, huh? Okay Boomer!
From the A-list to the E-List
Other notably absent A-listers were recast with E-list characters from rando TV shows. I mean, TV shows! Like, network TV! I actually had to rescue Cas more than once from being talked to death by the cast of The Connors, who all delivered lengthy anti-Trump monologues to our cameraman, Rafe. Rafe had seen enough episodes of the ABC series to know not to hit the record button. Guess they had to shove someone in front of the cameras who hadn’t been to Epstein’s island! In the words of Clammy … Roseanne warned us!
Will the Real Will Smith Please Stand Up?
Everyone remembers the slap heard around the world when Will Smith walloped Chris Rock live on the Oscars back in 2022. Will is still honoring his 10-year suspension, but according to his bald wife, who we chatted with backstage (she was there promoting her new biopic, GI Jane: Operation Islamic Revolutionary Guard), the Fresh Prince is totally booked solid anyway, making mixed tapes with Jazzy Jeff in a west Philadelphia playground (where he spent most of his days—ed).
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei Receives Oscar In Memoriam Tribute
The Academy paused for a moment of silence, recognizing the life-long efforts of everyone from liberal and TDS sufferer Rob Reiner to Woody Allen’s muse Diane Keaton. In fact, Cas and I couldn’t believe it when crisis actor, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei got a shout-out from the Academy. “They didn’t even recognize James Van Der Beek,” sobbed Clammy after his eighth morning-after Mai Tai, “but they’ll recognize the guy who starred in The Islamic Republic of Bimbos.” Fellow members remembered the Supreme Islamic cleric for his humanity, compassion, and flawlessly convincing work while signed to the Hollywood production company and new streaming service, CIA.
Arianna Grande’s All-Ages After Party
We got the skinny on actress, singer, and paperclip Ariana Grande. The svelte soprano sang the blues to Cas off-camera that her next project involves “holding down three shrimp horderves at DiCaprio’s all-ages after party” … which was scheduled to be held at a Pasadena Chuck E. Cheese.
Timothée Gets his Nuts Cracked
The Oscars wasted little time cracking Timothée Chalamet’s nuts after he publicly trashed operas and ballets like The Nutcracker. Wonka, who dished his distaste for the fine arts during a conversation with Matthew McConaughey for Variety, was favored to win the Best Actor award for his role as Ping Pong savant Marty Supreme. However, as his tasteless comment gained hate on reputable platforms like X, the Bob Dylan impersonator’s Oscar buzz fell as flat as Kylie Jenner’s backside in an LA Clipper locker room. Wakanda native and star of Rocky’s VII – IX, Michael B. Jordan ended up stealing with Sinners.
